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But, then I changed my mind. I put a small framed picture I had of my Henrietta up next to her ashes on the mantle.It had been two weeks almost to the day since I’d lost her. It was a Friday morning. And this time, they didn’t call; they just showed up, the two of them: my ex-wife and my ex-daughter.They’d kind of surprised me, but I recovered from my surprise more or less suddenly, smiled, and welcomed them in—sort of.“Well if it isn’t my ex-wife and my ex-daughter. Come together to gang up on me?” I said.“John Michael, that’s not fair,” said Victoria. “We came here to once again apologize for our behavior.”“Is Henrietta in?” said Selena. “I really need to talk to her.”“No, not exactly,” I said, “but coffee?”“Yes,” came the synchronous chorus of my exes. I smiled again and went to put the coffee maker on.I was hoping that the two of them wouldn’t be so brain-dead that they wouldn’t notice the new decorations on the mantle. I would not be pointing it out to them. No, this had to be a. Girls had been avoiding me like the plague. Unsurprisingly, I was still a virgin. Virgin? I had kissed a girl exactly once, and that was more of a brother-sister kiss than a passionate one. For that matter, I was still kind of fuzzy about, you know, the "birds and bees" stuff. This was back in the early 60s, you see. The Dark Ages. Before universal sex education. Before universal sex."Dave, look. You're not ugly or anything. It's just that... well, it might help if you took a shower every once in a while, and maybe even brushed your teeth. You know, take care of yourself, show a little pride in your appearance. Learning a few of the -- what we used to call 'social niceties' -- that might not kill you either."I didn't know quite what to make of that, but gradually it got through my thick skull. I stank and had bad breath. And I was a clod. That might just explain a few things.It stung. I gritted my teeth as I scraped the remains of half a dozen Blue Plate Specials into the plastic.
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